HELLO AMERICANS! My IDIOT DOG made a nice chunk of change off the picks he made two weeks ago, so he has QUIT THE JOB I GAVE HIM to start up a SPORTS MARKETING COMPANY. HA! GOOD LUCK running it out BARABOO, WISCONSIN you knucklehead dog.
"Get the hell out of my office you worm"
As a result I can’t outsource my sports-writing to Mugsy anymore, so once again I’ll have to use MY BRAIN to provide you with the lock down action picks you crave so much.
This week, I’ve conned another rube into writing stuff for free. This week west coaster MIKE BAKER will be doing the guest picks. His experience as a college football player and man who really really hates the Seahawks will provide this column with a certain insight it is usual lacking.
BUT ENOUGH CHIT CHAT LETS GET ONTO THE PICKS!
Lions vs Vikings
There has been a lot of evil coming out of the Vikings the past few weeks. Child abuse? Fake charities that are used to fund coke fueled orgies? Helmets with matte finish instead of glossy? I’d expect this kind of behavior out of the Patriots, but the Vikings? With their record that’s insane. CLEARLY THEIR DEAL WITH THE DEVIL ISN’T WORKING! Lions have this one in the bag, say what you will about Ndamukong Suh, but he keeps his violent felonies on the field. Matthew Stafford is also a good QB, uh maybe, I think, honestly have no idea.
Viking team meeting
Lions - 15
Vikings - 4
49ers vs Rams
The 49ers must remember to show up to the game if they want this victory. Colin Kaepernick is an elite quarterback, so he will for sure take the initiative to enter the address of Edward Jones Dome into the team bus’s Garmin or TomTom so it has the proper time to calculate the route. I have gotten burned by this before; you get off your plane, rent a car, and put in your hotel address, but your GPS has to find the satellites and that takes like 40 minutes so you have to drive around like an idiot for a while. This would not happen to Kaepernick though, he will probably print out MapQuest directions too, as a backup.
49ers - 28
Rams - 3
Steelers vs Browns
I just watched that movie “Draft Game” and lets just say I have “Browns Fever”. Watching Kevin Costner make insane management decisions that piss off his family, friends, and co-workers made me feel like a true resident of Cleve-town. Johnny “Football” Manziel’s ability to stand on the sidelines while wearing a baseball hat have clearly done wonders for the Cleveland offense. I don’t want to call it too soon, but the 2014 Cleveland Browns may be the greatest football team in the history of the NFL.
Still only the second most popular man in Cleveland
Browns - A lot!
Steelers - Not very much at all
Packers vs Dolphins
Last time I was at Lambeau field for a football game the Packers were playing the Dolphins. I was working the night shift at the time so I ended up getting really drunk and passing out. When I came to the Packers had lost and a bunch of guys wanted to fight me since my Minnesota born girlfriend (now wife) kept screaming “go Vikings!”.
Packers - 21
Dolphins - 20
And now Mike “West Coast Offense” Baker
Lions Vs. Vikings
This isn’t going to be much of a game. Lions have surprisingly looked pretty good this year, even with the Stafford infection at quarterback. Our fantasy boy Calvin will likely be sitting this one out due to his lingering ankle injury, and with Peterson still out discovering how many children he has and which ones need a beating.
28-13 Lions victory.
49ers Vs. Rams
The past couple season the Rams have had poor records but for some reason continue to play the Niners very well! I was watching a historical documentary known as “beerfest” and suddenly I understood. For their Big games against the 49ers they must be utilizing the Century old Beer drinking custom, hence their name. For this game, with Bradford out for the season, no amount of Ram’s piss will save them from the Beating the 49ers have in store! GO NINERS!!!
BEERFEST: Why do the Germans drink the urine of a ram?
28-10 Niners Victory
Steelers Vs Browns
Money man Manziel isn’t getting as much attention any more. With Hoyer leading the Browns to a couple big wins, the Dog pound seems to be getting some of its fight back! But, in the end, the Steelers are a better football team and will win in a close one. I’m sure Manziel will enjoy his sideline season tickets.
His friends call him “John Football”
21-18 Steelers Victory
Packers vs. dolphins
I know that the 2 people that actually read these picks are probably Packer fans. So, I apologize when I say, I am picking the Dolphins. There are two reasons why:
1) Dolphins are coming off a bye week. I have always thought it was unfair when a team has 2 weeks to prepare and the other only has one.
2) Miami has a pretty legit pass rush. With the Packer o-line once again playing like shit, Rodgers is going to have his hands full with something else other than his boyfriend!
Yeah we get it, you guys are friends, stop rubbing it in
24-21 Dolphins Victory
WOWEE THOSE ARE SOME SOLID GOLD PICKS! HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND EVERYONE! HUT HUT HIKE!